I love you to the moon and back
by littlevampk
Summary: short fic in which Peter dies from Cancer and Tony writes a letter before trying to kill himself
1. Chapter 1

_"I wish this would work. I wish this could make me feel better. I wish you could be able to read this. But I know it's impossible because you never learned how to read, even though you were the smartest kid I ever knew, probably smarter than I ever was. It's impossible also because you can't send letters to heaven, if there's any._

_But I digress._

_The thing is, Peter, Daddy misses you. He misses you like he never missed anybody. Because he never loved anyone like he loved you. Because anyone loved him like you did, buddy. And because no one ever left him feeling so empty._

_Daddy is lonely, and daddy is thinking in paying you a visit too._

_I expect that wherever you are, you aren't feeling disappointed of me. I know I've been drinking a lot, but your Pops isn't here to help me remember I have life to live. And without you, Peter, I'm not sure if I want to live it at all._

_You may wonder why Pops left, and I really wish I could tell you something better but the truth is that he left because of me. Daddy is not good enough for your Pops, Peter. I know you may not see it but it's true. We can't blame Pops, we can't be mad at him, ok?_

_I know he's dying without you too but Pops is stronger than Daddy ok? Don't worry about him. And don't worry about me._

_I'm in your room right now. I haven't come out of it since you left, actually. I've been hugging Mr. Snuckles while I sleep, hope you don't get jealous, I know you hated when people grabbed him._

_Huh, I remember the first time I saw you, Pete. You were so tiny I was afraid I might break you. At the end you were the one who broke me. But I'm not blaming you either._

_It was all my fault._

_I should've done something. Faster. Better._

_But God figured that I didn't deserve you, and so he took you away from me. Tell him that that was a dick move, but I don't judge him either._

_I remember how freaked out I was when I brought you home for the first time. You were crying and scared. We both were actually. And then I called your Pops, and God, everything was alright._

_He made everything alright. And I'm sure that if he was here everything would be so different. But I can't screw his life too, it's not fair for him._

_I don't want you to worry about us. We're better this way. Well, he is…_

_I remember painting this room. It was one crazy day. Especially because, making mass murder weapons that's easy, but painting a room in a way Steve Rogers would like is something way harder. We laughed a lot after all the yelling. I'm sure you remember too._

_Remember the small part I made for you in the lab for when you grew up? Yeah, I haven't gone to the lab to avoid seeing it. I had such good plans for you. It's one of the many things that kills me slowly too. All the things that you won't be able to do._

_What kills me the most is all the small memories you didn't take with you, buddy, you left all those memories here. Haunting me in every little part of the house I look at._

_Little things like your bare feet down the hallway or your little laugh. The race cars on the kitchen floor, the plastic dinosaurs._

_I remember your brown eyes looking into mine, like we had our own secret club. I remember you dancing, before bed time, then jumping on me, waking me up._

_I can still feel you hold my hand, little man._

_And how you fought it hard like an army guy, in a way you'd made Captain America proud, and I'm telling you, you did. I admired you, Peter. So strong for such a young boy._

_And then the worst happened._

_I remember the drive home, with that blind hope. I turned to crying and screaming why._

_The flowers piled up in the worst way. No one knew what to say to us about a beautiful little boy who died._

_And is about to be Halloween. You could be anything you wanted if you were still here._

_I remember the last day when I kissed your face and whispered in your ear: c'mon baby with me, we're gonna fly away from here, out of this curtained room and this hospital grey. We'll just disappear_

**_You were my best 4 years, Peter._**

_What if I'm standing in your closet trying to talk to you?_

_And what if I really thought some miracle would see us through?_

_But what if the miracle was even getting one moment with you?_

_I miss you so much, Peter. I try to pull myself together but it hurts, buddy._

_I'm never going to hear your tiny voice saying 'Daddy' again. I'm never going to see those big brown eyes being amazed by whatever it was that I was doing at the lab. I'm never going to hear that noisy laugh under your Pops fingers when he tickled you._

_I'm never going to get those things back, Peter._

_I need you to understand that that's why Daddy's been drinking so much. That's why Daddy is so sad lately._

_That's why Daddy is going to do what he's going to do._

_I hope I don't get people to be angry with me. I hope your Pops won't be angry with me. I hope he understands._

_I love you to the moon and back, Peter._

_I'll see you soon._

_-Love, Dad._

_ps. Steve, don't be mad with yourself. I didn't do this because of you. I did it because my life had no point and I'm sorry if I make you feel bad. I don't want you to be sad. Or to blame yourself of my death. There's nothing you could've done._

_I hope you'll get the happy life you always wanted. I hope you meet someone that won't screw up as much as I did. And I hope you get to have more children with them, Peter would've wanted that._

_I'm not sure to where I'm going. Giving my past maybe not to where Peter is, but I'll be looking after you everyday, I hope. And so will Peter, I'm sure…_

_And I'll dare to speak for both of us when I say We love you… a whole lot._

_Tell everyone not to say anything nice for me at the funeral. I know I was a dick, they don't need to lie just because I'm dead…_

_You were the second best thing that ever happened to me. Even though I screwed up so many times, I loved you more than I loved myself. And given my ego, that's to say a lot._

_I can't ask you not to cry, I know you'd cry even for a dead puppy. But what I do want to ask you for is to live your life. You're good, you'll be fine._

**_I'll be fine._**

_-Tony"_

* * *

this was inspired by the song Ronan by Taylor Swift


	2. Chapter 2

Steve breathed heavily as his knuckles knock lightly the door. His keys were still in his pocket but Steve figured it was rude to just enter because of how things were now. He had embraced himself for the emotional trauma that going inside that house would cost him.

He did not need to go inside Peter's bedroom. He did not need to look Tony in the eyes. "_I'm just here to pick up some of my stuff. I'm just here to pick up some of my stuff."_ He repeated in his head.

_Second knock._

Maybe he wasn't home. Steve looked at his watch and decided not to go with that idea. Tony wouldn't go anywhere at 9am.

Maybe he was sleep, Steve thought again, or maybe he was just hung-over.

_Third knock._

Steve called down his name this time, with a hoarse voice because saying Tony's name so dryly and distant was the hardest thing Steve had ever done. Second hardest, anyway.

He called again and knocked just once more before taking the keys and opening the door.

As he suspected no one was there. Nothing.

Nothing except amounts of empty bottles of scotch in the floor and the kitchen table. Some spread food and the sink completely full of dirty plates. Steve walked further to find a lot of Peter's picture spread all over the living room's carpet. His heart shattered when he kneeled to grab one.

It was of Peter's first trip to Disneyland and the smile on his face made Steve feel terribly miserable. Miserable because he wasn't going to see that smile growing old.

"Tony" he called again trying to focus on his mission and not his pathetic senseless life.

No answer. Steve knew how Tony was when he was asleep. Like a rock, he didn't move, didn't wake for anything.

Steve went to the living room closet and grabbed some blankets and towels he bought before he married Tony. He didn't feel alright taking stuff from him. Especially when he was even awake to realize. He put them inside a small bag he had brought.

Once more he knocked the door of their bedroom. Or what used to be their bedroom, anyway.

Again, he got no response. _"I'll just leave him a note or maybe a message in his phone"_ Steve planned in his mind as he opened the door of where he used to sleep with the love of his life.

What he found was weirder than he ever imagined.

He wasn't sleeping. He wasn't even in his bed. And his bed wasn't even undone.

He hadn't spent the night there.

_Of fucking course._

Steve sometimes wondered how it would be to be like Tony. Careless and just not give a shit about anything. Not even about the fact that your son died.

Steve entered his old bedroom shaking his head in disapproval as the tears of the bitter memories started to fill his eyes up.

Three steps inside he realized that the bathroom door was closed but by the small line down the door you could see the lights were on.

"Tony?" he called putting the bag in the bed slowly "I just- I came here to pick my stuff" No noise came from the closed door. Steve really felt something in his heart telling him that something was off.

Something was terribly off.

And with nervous fingers he opened the bathroom door to find how terribly bad things were.

The noise that came from Steve's lips was inhuman. Piercing.

It was the noise of his already broken heart break into millions of pieces. Again.

Do you know what the human soul sounds like when it screams in utter agony? It echoes through your body until you're sure it will shatter your eardrums. _Only no one else can hear it. Only you do._

"Tony, tony" he called grabbing the unconscious face in his hands after he kneeled next to his husband's body. Steve heard himself and blinked so many times to make sure he wasn't having a nightmare.

Tony couldn't be dead. He _couldn't._

He**_ wasn't_**

Still shaking, he disoriented-ly locked in his pockets for his phone.

Steve wasn't sure what he did while the ambulance came. Probably cry and kiss Tony telling him that everything was going to be alright.

_Telling him that he loved him._

_Asking him not to leave him._

But as the words came out all he felt was guilt. Because, _hell _why did he left Tony alone? Why did he make Tony try to kill himself? Why was he so stupid?

He couldn't go inside the O.R. He couldn't keep telling Tony how much he needed him alive.

Steve prayed to whatever god was listening to him to take pity on him and let Tony live.

He wasn't sure how many hours went by. It could've been days for what he cared. Hell, it felt like months to be honest.

Finally someone came out and gave Steve the kind of news he hadn't heard in years. _Good ones_.

Steve fought the urge to hug the life out of the doctor that came from the room and listened to his instructions.

"We're gonna have him here to detoxify him a little so you should maybe bring him some of his stuff" he said.

"Are you sure I can't see him before I go?" Steve insisted, the doctor shook his head lightly.

"He's still unconscious. Just bring his stuff and you'll see him when you get here, Mr. Rogers"

Steve went back to the house not really thinking about what to bring. His phone, his tab, all that things Tony got distracted with.

Looking for them he made the terrible mistake to walk in front of the open door.

The feeling, the memory…it almost crashed him to the floor. And then Steve sadly thought, maybe Tony hadn't done that to himself because of him, maybe it was because of something else.

Everything was so intact, so perfect. Steve could almost still smell the scent of Peter's perfume mixed with the dirt he always brought with him after playing in the ground. Steve let the tears roll because there was no point in holding them in.

He grabbed Peter's stuffed rabbit or Mr. Snuckles and gave him a tight hug, wanting to feel Peter instead of the fluffy fake animal. After a couple of minutes and tons of more tears he let go of the toy and placed him at the end of the small pillow and found a two piece of paper with Tony's handwriting all over it.

Thank God Steve was sitting because he could've lost his balance and faint in the floor and no one would've saved him.

This was his fault, god, Steve wanted to punch himself.

He should've known. He should've been better with Tony. He should've been there "_til death do us part" _but hell that wasn't happening today. Tony was alive and nothing else mattered.

He grabbed Mr. Snuckles with him and finished with the stuff, and then headed back to the hospital.

He talked to the doctor, who gave him instructions on how to treat Tony after this but Steve was sure how he was going to treat him. Steve gave the doctor a small smile and walked to the door, determined to beg Tony for his forgiveness and to ask him to come back. To love him back. To be together, even if they were both miserable without Peter.

But all those hopeful thoughts faded when he entered the room and met the saddest couple of brown deep eyes he had ever seen.

"I'm sorry" Tony whispered and Steve saw the tears filling up in his eyes, making the light brown darker. Steve let the bag fall from his hands and walked closer, his heart racing and dying to throw himself and hug Tony like he had months without doing "I didn't mean to get caught" and then his heart stopped, for a small second but it did.

Tony wasn't sorry he tried to leave him alone on earth. He was sorry because Steve caught him.

"What?" Steve whispered so lightly it could barely be heard. Tony wiped some tears of his cheek and drove his gaze to his left side, trying to ignore Steve. "You're kidding me, right?" Steve knew it wasn't right to sound mad at him, after all this was his fault but he was so mad at himself he ended up giving Tony his angriness.

Tony shrugged and made a face that was between a pout and something else.

Steve walked closer and let his shoulders loose.

"Tony…" he swallowed taking the chair next to Tony's bed and putting it closer to the bed so he could look at Tony clearly. "You have no idea how much I am sorry"

"Steve-

"No" he said calmly and pressed the tears in because he couldn't start crying now "I've been selfish. I didn't think about. I didn't think- I didn't think of what Peter's death could do to you. I was mad at you. I thought you didn't love me anymore. I thought-" his voice broke a little and Steve took a moment "I thought you didn't care, about me, or about Peter, anything. I was _so_ wrong, and I am _so _sorry" Steve felt his tears wetting his cheeks and Tony looked down.

"I love you _so _much" he said with a voice that wasn't his "You can't- Tony, listen to me, you can't do this again, _ever, __**please,**_ you can't leave me- I know it sounds wrong because I'm the one who left you in the first place but this is just- I can't…" Steve took Tony's hand and felt the cold he dropped a small kiss in it and saw how some tears fell along too "I can't lose you, I'm not that strong" Steve shook his head biting his bottom lip, showing how desperately he needed Tony to know that. To know that he couldn't live without him.

"Steve" Tony's voice was oxidized, like if he hurt to talk.

"Tony, right now, you're all I've got-

"Steve-

"I'm sor-sorry" he wasn't sure what power made him do it, he didn't plan on doing it, but he leaned up and kissed Tony like he never had. Tony replied just as eager as Steve and in between the small gap their lips left Tony felt the tears, he tasted them. Steve let go minutes after, breathing heavily inches away from his face. He let his forehead rest against Tony's and breathed in the air Tony was releasing, Tony's scent filling his nostrils "I need you"

"No, you don't. You're just afraid I might do that again" Tony said truthful and departing from Steve's face. Steve stared at him.

"Tony, please-

"It's you chance to live a nice, happy life, Steve. Goddamn it, take it!" he yelled looking into him. Steve pressed his lower lip and looked down.

"Fine" he said. Tony blinked twice and Steve smiled "I will you tell me you don't love me, I will if you look me in the eyes and you tell me you really want me to go"

"Oh please-

"This is not about my comfort, Tony. I care about you, and if you really want me to leave then I'll do it"

"This is not about me, Steve. This is about what's better for you, _who_…" Tony replied lowering his head.

"You want me to happy?" he asked and Tony nodded whispering a light 'Of course' "then kiss me again and stay with me"

* * *

**there im done with my dream, i swear, i'm not planing on writing more chapters for this. (i have already many fics i need to write) **

**again, im sorry if i made you cry.**


End file.
